


Not Quite Right

by Nectardust



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003), Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
Genre: Bad Puns, Challenge Response, Crack, Dirty Jokes, Humor, M/M, Seriously go Teenage!me, Underage implied for the RoyEd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2020-05-31 18:10:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19431370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nectardust/pseuds/Nectardust
Summary: Roy stumbles upon Jean Havoc with his new lover, then decides he needs Ed's comfort. Some things were not meant to be seen.





	Not Quite Right

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I, in no way, own Fullmetal Alchemist.
> 
> This was a challenge given to me by Dark Darianna Minamino on ff.net back in the day. I included mentions of RoyEd for my own sanity. CRACK PAIRING OF ARMSTRONG/HAVOC. I dare you to read and comment.
> 
> Originally posted in 2006. Unbeta'ed and unchanged from original post.

The Colonel stopped short as he reached the doorway to his unit's offices in Central Headquarters. The room wasn't empty; that wasn't unusual. It wasn't the other two peoples' presence in the room that bothered him so much as their positions. Lieutenant Jean Havoc was lounging behind his desk, cigarette held lightly between his lips. There was nothing wrong there. Major Alex Louis Armstrong had stripped his torso to better show off his flexing muscles. Though quite disturbing, that, too, was normal.

No, the thing that most bothered Roy Mustang was the fact that Havoc's bare hand was resting on Armstrong's equally bare upper arm. _Willingly_.

"Ahem," Mustang cleared his throat, earning the full attention of the two lesser ranking officers. He gestured with gloved hands to the contact, his brain too in shock to register what was going on exactly.

"The ability to comfort those whom no one else wants has been passed down the Armstrong line for generations!" the overenthusiastic blond answered indirectly, pink sparkles twinkling around his jubilant face. Blue eyes teared up over-dramatically at the thought of Havoc's dating history, but his posture still screamed 'happy!' and 'proud!' as he worked his muscles.

Mustang only narrowed his eyes, turning to his full-time subordinate. "So because you never could keep a woman, you chose…let me get this straight, you chose _Armstrong_?"

The blond lieutenant only shrugged. "Well, things never worked out with the Major's sister, but the Major himself?" Roy was extremely grateful that Havoc chose not to elaborate on that line of thought.

All was silent for a moment as the Colonel absorbed this new information. He wasn't averse to the idea of his subordinate being with another man; it would be hypocritical of him to judge on that basis, since he also had chosen a partner of the same gender. It was simply the idea of _Major Armstrong_. Roy had difficulty imagining the man with anyone, male or female. Then again, the pink sparkles and overemotional tendencies did tend to give away his...preferences.

His musings were cut short as the taller, half-bare soldier leaned down to place a gentle kiss on the other blonde's lips. It made sense that the Major be soft and tender, as that was part of his mild nature. Even with his rough background of fighting and war experiences, the taller (and more built) man had a serious regard for peace and calmness. Especially with Havoc, it seemed.

After witnessing the movement, Roy felt ready to gag in his mouth. He swallowed thickly, unconvincingly, as the louder blond announced with a booming voice: "For all their glory, only Havoc is allowed the privilege to experience my _true muscles_!" The exclamation had come from nowhere, and Roy only wanted to imagine that he had never, _ever_ heard those words uttered. Especially from Armstrong's mouth.

Havoc laughed weakly from where he sat, watching his commanding officer's face pale to near white from shock and restrained disgust. In the Strong-Arm Alchemist's defense, the lieutenant decided to help his partner. "You know, Chief, for as much dribble as he spurts out…he swallows just as much," Havoc chuckled, rubbing the back of his head a bit sheepishly.

Mustang blinked slowly, deliberately; twice. "…Thank you for that, Lieutenant," he managed, as a sweat drop slid down his face. A few muscles in his cheek twitched from extremely disturbing imagery; he looked liable to be sick at any given moment.

"What is wrong, Sir?" bellowed the Major, surrounded by his ever-present pink sparkles. "Don't you also do these things with a certain blond alchemist?"

The Colonel's face brightened considerably for a moment as the mental picture in his imagination switched from Havoc and Armstrong to himself and a certain Fullmetal. Then he immediately blanched as he was faced with the harsh reality in front of him, deciding he really needed Edward's physical and emotional reassurances during this time. He coughed, sidestepping the other's question, and quickly strode from the two blonds, intent on finding his own.

He would leave the other two to their own devices; he only wanted to be kept uninformed.


End file.
